Sorry I left for a bit. I am overwhelmed with a lot to do: study, newsletters, book writing, Kickstarter rewards, email correspondence, artwork, cleaning, organization, and even more things that I can hardly think of off the top of my head because I’m still disorganized about organizing what I need to get done regarding this project, my art practice, and my regular life – that is, if there is (or ever will be) a line that separates my artist’s life and any semblance of a “regular,” personal life.
Believe it or not, I have spent the better part of the last decade of trying to make that separation, and for the life of me, I just can’t. My boyfriend just loves this, as you can imagine. How would you like a partner that’s never “there?” She/he is always in work mode. It gets quite annoying, and probably upsetting too. You’d think most “guys” would like that sort of chick, but not real men. Real men want to connect. The whole thing is sad, and now I am telling you way more than you deserve to know, so I’m going to stop and get on with the subject at hand.
I seemed to understand the letter Kaf right away. Maybe I had to since it is the letter I use to start my name with. Look at how cool it is. It I love it. It has a lot of great meaning too: The power to actualize potential. Maybe that’s hard to grasp. Read it for what it is and it sinks in easily. Think about it too much and you’re like, Whaaa?
I like to think of it in terms of “ones initial awareness upon awakening.” That’s one way to look at it, but in terms of God, it can be viewed as God’s constant creation of this world — that his creation is actualized in each and every moment.
If you’re like me though, and you wrestle with God on a constant basis – and I mean, here, I am taking up all this blog space talking about God and the bible and stuff, and I can’t even tell you if I am a True believer in God! I don’t even know what that really means! That’s why I say I wrestle with it. With “It.” Or whatever.
Some days, I “believe,” but that is to say, I feel connected. I don’t “believe” in anything. I feel like everything is going to be okay and I am relieved of some anxiety and it correlates to a kind of universal connection to everything. I consider that being close to God.
Then there are other days I think the whole idea of God is mere nothingness – which I also believe is not much different from the first feeling. Hard to explain really.
In the sense of this letter though – to connect the meaning without bringing God into the equation (or bringing him into it – it’s your choice), I look at it this way: all that really exists are moments. This moment. The moment. And in those moments, like the one that just now passed – the you just missed out on – is the power to actualize potential. And I say, be thankful for it, use those moments, enjoy the moments. This one, right now.
Anywho, All these letters have great meaning. I think going through all the ups and downs that I have had while doing this study, I have come to many different realizations. I will reveal something that occurred to me since I have studied half of these so far. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll try.
As far as ups and downs, I don’t even know if I have truly communicated that on this blog, but I have had a lot of struggle even learning these letters. I still do/have. I think I always will because it’s the kind of thing that could go on forever. The meanings of these letters, each one, and what they DO mean and what they COULD mean are absolutely endless.
Okay, so I am going to admit now that I have not been studying Exodus the way I have been studying kabbalah. I still am going to, but only after I am finished with all the letters.
But this started out as a time management problem. A mistake, or rather, I didn’t plan it this way. I just didn’t have the time in the day out in Joshua Tree to fit everything in, and study the Torah on top of everything else. It was overwhelming. Not enough hours in the day and all that.
However, now that I have been studying kabbalah so intently, I am so glad I did it in this order.
Perhaps I will realize this once I thoroughly read Exodus the way I want to, but through my long study of Genesis, which I have spoken about before (if I was smart I would link to it. I will, just give me a few hours), and now this kabbalah stuff, I have realized that Exodus IS the genesis for the Jewish people.
I started to realize this on, well, the very first letter: ALEF! It’s like everything – the entire universe was set into motion for what happens on Mt. Sinai. I don’t think what a major realization I was having when I got that after studying Alef and mentioning all this. Especially when I was talking about the Firmament and the fact that Vov is LIGHT!
What am I going on about???
Oy! The Hovering! It’s all about the hovering! I’m going to have to figure out a way to incorporate this concept into my project, yet it’s so hard to explain it. “Touching but not touching.” That is what I mean by the hovering. And it’s what happened when Moses saw the burning bush I tell you. It’s symbolized in the Alef. Oy, I know you all think I’m going insane! I don’t care. I just need to articulate this all at a later date and into my project somehow.
Anyway, I am half way through with the Hebrew alphabet, Kabbalah style, that is. A bit more actually, since I have a little head start on the Lamed.
I sort of fell in love with this letter (the last letter of my name) when I was trying to study this stuff back in 2007-2008. Yes, I was trying to grasp this stuff even back then. It was “hovering” over my head back then too. Ha!
I totally didn’t get this stuff, but I really wanted to. At least I was trying though. I wanted so badly to connect to the letters in some way and start making my art connect in some way, but I wasn’t sure how to work it out yet. Still, I worked it out a bit and made a few successful paintings. I think this was one of them, but I made a few duds right after that you’ve never seen.
This one is called, Eve’s Dilemma:
I made the garment pattern look somewhat like a Lamed. Lamed means: Contemplation of the Heart, or a heart that understands knowledge.
It’s got a bunch of other meanings too, and numbers, and blah blah blah, but I just wanted to say that I had a little head start on the next letter.
My point in all of this is that I am stopping here for a while because I am tired of NOT painting! I NEED to paint now. So I am going to.
I still have quite a few rewards to do. I think 50. Maybe 48 by now, but I am going to start prepping some pieces that I have in my mind to work on because otherwise, I might just go crazy. I am getting really depressed. I have not painted in a really, really long time now. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own. I’ve been busying myself with a whole lot of “other” stuff. It’s time for me to focus in the studio for a while, but that doesn’t mean I won’t blog here and there. I will. I’ll be documenting some progress, so you’ll get to see proof that I’m working. 🙂
I am truly most interested in this:
Don’t ask me why.