So I’m back.

I have yet to study a letter today, and in fact, I still have to re-study Tet. Skimming Yud this morning made me realize that I really didn’t “get” Tet. I was preoccupied for one thing. It was my last day here. I was full of many different feelings that I couldn’t quite temper. My heart was chaotic. My mind was disengaged.

This is what happens to me, to many people, when there are unmet expectations. Well, usually, it ends up in disappointment. That’s what disappointments are, but I wasn’t quite feeling disappointment. I was too confused for that.

I wondered what my expectations were. Did I lose sight of my purpose? What were my intentions for going out there and how did it differ from my expectations?

I suppose, since my intention was to gather a ton of preliminary work to bring back with me in order to make paintings for the next year, I expected to leave there with piles and piles of papers. Papers, photos, video footage, notes, sketches, etc. So much, I could hardly carry it all back into my car!

That was the part where I felt disappointment. There was some of that, but I could make one small pile only. That made me sad. It was a sad pile. Awwww. Poor little sad pile.

The thing is though, however un-tangible, I do have TONS of preliminary reference to work with! I mean, how many times can you photograph a boulder? I got it. It’s embedded into my skull! It’s etched in there. I studied the rocks more than I studied these Hebrew letters.

My mind is CLEAR. I know what I want to do. I know how I want my film to go. I know how my installation is going to look, and I know what I want to paint. I don’t know if anyone is going to like it, but I sure want to mess with it.

One thing I think, and maybe I shouldn’t put this on my blog – it’s real personal – but I think my boyfriend is going to absolutely hate these paintings. He hasn’t been a big fan of my work in recent years. That’s been difficult for me. Who doesn’t like to be told they’re an artistic genius? However, I don’t want to be lied to either. I’m grateful that he is honest. He has been in my fan club for years in the past, and he loves certain types of work that I do. He’s just not an abstract art fan – but who is really? Ha!

I am. I seem to love it more and more – and more! And the truth is, I loved it since I was very little. It was the first kind of art that caught my eye. The first type of work that made me think, I want to make art. I want to do that! How can I do that?…

It was a Paul Jenkins:

Anyway.

More later…