Extra! Extra! Proof of God in Yud

May 10, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

Now I know! I really needed to read tet, then skim yud – not really get it, then, read it again.

And now that I have thoroughly studied yud again, it is hitting me over the head like a ton of round-ish bricks.

I would have never discovered this properly had I not gone through this the way I did, so a big shout-out to my bowl of Wheaties this morning.

The letter Yud, titled, The Infinite Point opens like so:

“The letter yud, a small suspended point, reveals the spark of essential good hidden within the letter tet. Subsequent to the initial tzimtzum, the contraction of G-d’s Infinite light in order to make “place” for Creation, there remained within the empty void a single, potential point or “impression.” The secret of this point is the power of the Infinite to contain finite phenomena within Himself and express them to apparent external reality.”

If you don’t remember me talking about the tzimtzum <– there’s a link. Skim it. It’s kinda important, especially when we are talking about Light.

In fact, the book then goes on to say:

“Finite manifestation begins from a zero-dimensional point, thereafter developing into a one-dimensional line and two-dimensional surface…”

To me, this comes back to physics again. This isn’t just luminous light through a prism. This is Radiant Light (or Radiant Energy) and that works more like an electromagnetic spectrum. If you read a little bit about this, you might see how this correlates.

I’m not going to get into real proof of anything here, like some magic trick or a long formula that looks like π. It’s proof for myself here really. I already believed this stuff – instinctively. Nobody can really “prove” the existence of God. That’s not why I’m here. I’m just happy that I’m getting friendlier with my own feelings about it. (It.)

I’ve always had my suspicions that everything went back to The One. And that One consisted of nothing. That nothing just needed something to put Its life force into. In order to do that, It needed to create Itself as various dimension points, which in turn, would get the whole ball rolling to create the rest of the physical universe as we know it – laws and all.

The whole thing could have happened as fast or as slow as the Big Bang, since “fast” and “slow” are irrelevant, especially that “early” in the “beginning.” All the quotations because, you know, since time is just a point of view. In essence, a lie.

In the reality that you and I know, it is the consideration of an object moving through space: the time it takes to drive from my house to yours. See? Maybe not. Or maybe so. This crap is probably a lot simpler than I give anyone credit for.

So, if we all go “back in time,” I guess we’d be left with just The One. And since It split Itself into zillions of dimensions, stars, focal points, light sources, spaces, distances, and a plethora of other peripheries of some types of communication (Adam and Eve notwithstanding), then It/He/She is hidden in ALL of us. The One is all of us.

Yaye! we are all connected! Wait, ewww. Ha ha ha. Even that guy that works behind the counter at the liquor store? Yuuuuup!

I know tattoos are not looked upon well in the Jewish community. My mom nearly had a heart attack when she saw my first one. It is on my inner right forearm.

She just about died, but I had been wanting it ever since I was 18, and I waited several years after that before I did it because I knew not to be impulsive about it.

I’m about to turn 47 and I still have no regrets. I have a LOT more tattoos since then, especially up and down that same arm. But on my left arm, down by my wrist, is my only impulse tattoo. I designed it. It was very private because it reflected my spiritual beliefs, that I’ve mentioned above. It is a black spiral on top of my wrist, only the spiral is broken up.

It was not until today that I am able to have a word to back up my design. When asked in the past, I just said something about how everyone in the world has to “find their way back to The One,” or “try to fix it and put the spiral back together again.” Something dumb.

People would say things like, “So you think the universe is broken?” “Why not tattoo a spiral that isn’t broken? Wouldn’t that be more positive?” Jeez, people and their opinions.

I’d say, “It will never be put back together again. That’s not the point!” or “We will never get back to The One.”

They would just think I was all the more anti-positive. Which I am!

It was just never easy to explain it so I resorted to simply saying that it was “personal,” because it is!

Now I look at it and it kinda looks like a yud! Doesn’t it? I don’t know. Now I think it does.

Anyway, now I can say that it means Tikun, which in a nutshell means: to repair. But Tikkun Olam is even better! <–Please click on that one. It’s really nice. 🙂

Okay. Have a nice day, OR ELSE!

Or else I’ll hunt you down and I’ll fix you.

Enough About Me, More About Myself

May 9, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

I figured out a bit about why I have been having problems with the letter Tet. I am not sure I’d like to share them, but I will try.

From what I have gathered now, tet is really about inner good, not exactly “pregnancy,” as I had previously gleaned. And not just some plain ‘ole inner good either, but something pretty significant. Maybe more like THE inner good.

It might even be too heavy for me, but it could be the whole purpose of creation in the first place! Yes! That heavy folks.

But why this letter? Why this one, stuck somewhere in the middle-ish of the alphabet? Weird, huh? Or maybe I am reading into it wrong? That could be too. I’m not all that bright you know.

I can’t help it, but I have to look at this in a few different ways.

First of all, I apply what I have read about this letter to the basic creation story, especially when I read stuff like, “the hidden good” and “God hidden within his creation.” That made me think of Adam and Eve. Yeah, those two. Even God creating the universe. What other purpose was that for, other than for us?

I guess I can apply that to myself a bit also. I mean, as a painter, not that I am a god, but as a creator, I can see that I am hidden within my own creations. And I think it’s good anyway.

But when I apply it to myself alone, I can hardly even see any good, but I bet it’s there. Hidden.

It makes me think of that self-worth demon I wrestle with. I so HATE that guy.

Then yesterday, I met with my new friend Rebekah Mirsky, who is also a spiritual adviser. She was telling me about exercises that she has people do, and one was asking them: what are the lies they tell themselves. And this really blew me away, especially when I thought about it later, by myself. Alone.

Sure enough, one of the “Worlds” under the “Name” of the letter tet was, the tendency to lie.

Now, I won’t go into the Worlds and the Names, the Numbers, the Souls, and the Divinities, and all that stuff that’s involved with studying these letters. It’s very confusing. Just trust me, there are a bunch of subdivisions to each letter I haven’t even told you about. I haven’t mentioned it because my posts have been boring enough as it is!

But man, the lies I tell myself. That’s a doozy. I am not very nice to myself.

Between tet and Rebekah, I’m spinning.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

So anyway, you may have missed out on some drawings that I posted on my esart blog.

Or maybe not.

Not Tet Again?

May 7, 2014 / esart / 1 Comment

Well, yes.

For the next few days while I am at home, I am going to be restudying a few of the letters, Tet being the main one, then Yud, and then I want to re-cap on Chet, before I finally study Kaf.

, , ,

This is while I get my bearings together, see to some pressing personal matters, and just get reorganized, so this Kabbalah will be sporadic over the next week – just warning you.

And to warn you further, I will then be half way finished with the Kabbalah studies at that time. I mean, that’s funny actually because I will never be fully done with these Kabbalah studies – ever! But I will be finished with them as far as how much I’d like to be familiar with them. At least before I go into the new paintings.

I would just like to take a HALF WAY break to work on some rewards!

Remember, I have a LOT of rewards to complete, and most of those I’d like to do before I enter into my painting trance. I really don’t want to be preoccupied with much.

Check this out. Even though I had, what, 58 backers? I have 91 things I have to hand make — in some capacity or another. That might be hard to believe, but it’s true! It’s because some rewards had more than one thing listed in a particular tier.

That being said, one “thing” can be anything from writing a personal post-it note (easy!), to making a custom, hand bound artist book (not so “easy”).

This morning I was stitching the edges of Dan on one of the two Danvites that a couple people chose as their reward. The ones I had left were not finished, which is why they were left blank I suppose. In fact, I was looking for a finished one and I can’t find one! That’s a little alarming to me. It must be in my box of “Show Promo,” or something.

I sent these out to VIPs before my last solo show in 2010, It’s Mostly About Me and Much Less About You that included over 40 paintings. Probably half (or more) were from the Dan series. It’s a calling card of mine, or whatever you call it, to send out something a little “different” to selected people on my snail mail list before one of my solo shows, as well as an invite/postcard in order to get a bit more attention. You know, like a baby. A baby shaking his rattle really hard and screaming his head off. Like that!

“Give to me your attentions! My art is on view! Drop what you are doing! My art is more special than the the other art you have seen!”

Maybe you try to mix a perfect fragrance and line the inside of the envelope with it, hoping it will lure them to your gallery. Kind of like those cartoons where that luminescent, stretchy fragrance snake brings your unwitting prey up from under his nose and floats him back to the source of the smell.

Whatever it takes, right?

I just try to make something the person on the receiving end will notice – that someone may have made it by hand and thought went into it. Maybe they’ll be reluctant to throw it away. I want them to keep it, even if they don’t go to the show. Over the years, I have found that many of them have kept these things. Maybe they will remember my name at least.

Anyway, the rewards… Of the 91, so far I have only made 29. I haven’t sent out most of those 29 yet because I am waiting on the Dan stickers that I decided to give to everyone over the $20 mark. I am just not getting them until the end of next week.

The first rewards I did were obviously the postcards because I had to do them from Joshua Tree, so I hope everyone got them by now – including Quebec? I sure hope so. I think I wrote my best one there. I sent your guys’ wristbands out today and added EsArt stickers at least.

There is obviously – well – I shouldn’t say “obviously.” Maybe it’s not so obvious. How would you guys know it was obvious? Either way, there is going to be at least a three week delay on everybody’s rewards. When I wrote those estimated times for people to receive their rewards, I just wasn’t thinking clearly – like about how I had to wait to get all the funds into my account, ordering times/shipping times for the stickers and bracelets, plus proofing them! (I had to make changes multiple times on Dan’s color, and the Hebrew on the wristbands.) I also wasn’t so sure I was going to Joshua Tree so fast. I just didn’t take a lot of things into account! So please forgive me if you do not get your rewards exactly on time. I would push everything up another month, two if you’re a sweet and understanding individual.

I am also waiting on:

The Monographie books – ETA: Next week!
À la Dan Kabbalah” letterpress prints – ETA: No Idea!
VERY SPECIAL, limited edition “16 Dans” letterpress print – with one hand-painted Dan in the bunch – ETA: Soon!
Dan’s 10 Commandments – ETA: Not for a LONG time!

I am really excited about the paintings I am about to make. What’s weird is that you are going to be seeing them unfolding. I don’t even know if I like that part. This will be weird. I’ll be doing a lot of double posting on my esart blog, and please forgive me that these entries are showing up multiple times on Facebook and G+. I have to make my settings square so that they only post once. It’s because I have my Twitter already set from Facebook to post there… but now WordPress is setting to auto tweet… I have to fix all this shit. I apologize.

But what I was saying is that you will see a lot of the preliminary stuff, the notes, some of the sketches, and how I work and I’m sure it will seem really rough and weird, maybe in some people’s eyes too rough, but it’s how I work.

Most of the work really happens in my head, and I will maybe make a few drawings, some rough, some with color, some watercolors, and some may not seem like they relate and I think it’s because I have several directions of where I want to take the concepts in my head. I am exploring how I want to work with them.

Like this… These are essentially the same thing (to me). It’s just the difference in how I want to go about them.

Sorry for the quick and crappy scan, but this above is the same exact concept as this one below.

And I won’t play for very long with the kind of thing in the second one, unless I want to go in that direction.

And let’s say I do.

Then I would simplify that window washer guy until he was well rendered with the least amount of waves/wavy lines (but not angels lines), just less — and I may still do this, I am thinking about it — just so he is recognizable as what he is without him looking “real” or illustrated. So I’d probably fill a small sketchbook until I liked him in a variety of positions.

But let’s say I don’t go with this way. Let’s say I go with the top, which is how I’m actually leaning. In fact, I have practically filled that book since then. You’ll be surprised at what the last sketches actually look like now.

I’m scared to show you. So I’ll show you tomorrow.

Intention – Return

May 6, 2014 / esart / 2 Comments

So I’m back.

I have yet to study a letter today, and in fact, I still have to re-study Tet. Skimming Yud this morning made me realize that I really didn’t “get” Tet. I was preoccupied for one thing. It was my last day here. I was full of many different feelings that I couldn’t quite temper. My heart was chaotic. My mind was disengaged.

This is what happens to me, to many people, when there are unmet expectations. Well, usually, it ends up in disappointment. That’s what disappointments are, but I wasn’t quite feeling disappointment. I was too confused for that.

I wondered what my expectations were. Did I lose sight of my purpose? What were my intentions for going out there and how did it differ from my expectations?

I suppose, since my intention was to gather a ton of preliminary work to bring back with me in order to make paintings for the next year, I expected to leave there with piles and piles of papers. Papers, photos, video footage, notes, sketches, etc. So much, I could hardly carry it all back into my car!

Kim Abeles, 1995 Self Portrait with Files — Kim Abeles, 1995
Self Portrait with Files

That was the part where I felt disappointment. There was some of that, but I could make one small pile only. That made me sad. It was a sad pile. Awwww. Poor little sad pile.

The thing is though, however un-tangible, I do have TONS of preliminary reference to work with! I mean, how many times can you photograph a boulder? I got it. It’s embedded into my skull! It’s etched in there. I studied the rocks more than I studied these Hebrew letters.

My mind is CLEAR. I know what I want to do. I know how I want my film to go. I know how my installation is going to look, and I know what I want to paint. I don’t know if anyone is going to like it, but I sure want to mess with it.

One thing I think, and maybe I shouldn’t put this on my blog – it’s real personal – but I think my boyfriend is going to absolutely hate these paintings. He hasn’t been a big fan of my work in recent years. That’s been difficult for me. Who doesn’t like to be told they’re an artistic genius? However, I don’t want to be lied to either. I’m grateful that he is honest. He has been in my fan club for years in the past, and he loves certain types of work that I do. He’s just not an abstract art fan – but who is really? Ha!

I am. I seem to love it more and more – and more! And the truth is, I loved it since I was very little. It was the first kind of art that caught my eye. The first type of work that made me think, I want to make art. I want to do that! How can I do that?…

It was a Paul Jenkins:

Anyway.

More later…

Tet Tet Tet

May 5, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

I wanted to write about this letter.

I wanted to write a summation of my stay out here.

I wanted to write about all the things I learned and tie them all together – to the letter. To something smart. To something witty. To something trans formative.

For something for us all to learn from.

For something I could learn from!

What did I glean from my experience here? Do I even know yet? Will I know when I get home? Do I even have any words about Tet?

No.

It reminds me of birthing babies, being pregnant, having the power to “give life,” and that is not something I can do.

Even if I could, I never wanted to. Not really. I wanted to adopt. I never did that either. I’m too selfish. Too self-centered. My art is everything.

Maybe I don’t make little people that will build rockets one day, or become the president, or cure cancer, or become junkies, or disappoint their parents in some other way. I just make things.

Mostly, it’s been a storage problem, and sometimes it’s “worthy.”

Sometimes, I’m worthy.

Chet: Early Post Today

May 4, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

What have I learned about Chet today?

Well, I learned that it is a Zayin and a Vov linked together. Do you see it? And remember that vertical line that goes up on top of the other letters that represent God? Well the same applies here, only there is something a little bit different, because you can also write a chet like this:

Weird, huh? You know why that is? It is because of the concept of “Touching but not touching,” Also known as hovering. No, not Hoovering – God is not a Vacuum! Well, maybe he is.

I mentioned this back when I was talking about the Aleph my first day out here in Joshua Tree.

In Genesis, when God created the heavens and the earth, there are distinct separations that are made between the sea and the sky, between the deep water, and the light water (there is a distinct passage about how he hovers over the water and creates the ‘expanse,” which is actually translated as the “firmament,” and it’s all about how the celestial water is definitely different from the sea water, etc.), the sea and the land and the distance and closeness between God and human beings – the spiritual world and the mortal world. It is quite clear. There is an “above” and there is a “below,” the “above” having to do with God’s world.

In Kabbalah, Chet represents The Life Dynamic of Run and Return, meaning that there are these two levels of life: “Essential life” and “life to enliven.”

Think of God as the “Essential life,” of course. What else would he be between the two? Duh!

Something like mortal reality would be the “life to enliven.” Do you kinda get where I’m going here?

So, the letter Chet is the secret of “run and return.” It’s how God hovers over his creation, touching, but not touching, and all the Jewish souls connecting their lives that need to be enlivened with the essential life. It works two ways.

That’s what I got out of it anyway.

If I’m off base, then I’m off base.

And not to say that this is what I got out of the letter/my studying at all, But it got me thinking.

Very recently I lost my beloved aunt Susan. She had cancer. At first, it was diagnosed as breast cancer, actually Stage 4. That’s when they found it, so it was pretty bleak.

She went through super aggressive therapy, five rounds of chemo, back to back, during which time she told me several times, she was not afraid to die.

I was actually just writing about it this morning. I have been thinking about her a lot.

She was serious. She wasn’t trying to convince me, or herself, God or the universe. She really wasn’t afraid. I believed her. It wasn’t easy to believe, but I did. For her, she was ready for the outcome, whatever it was. She also had a strong belief in God. I wondered if that had anything to do with it.

I know people who have a very strong belief in God, but they are still scared to death to die.

I am basically scared to death to live. I will admit to it. I live my life in love, but I have to say, I’m afraid of everything. I live in fear. And while that fear motivates me to conquer it constantly – for instance, if I am scared to fly someplace alone, I’ll go do it just because I’m scared. If I am afraid to expose my weakness to strangers, I’ll show my vulnerabilities to anyone and everyone just because I fear it most. I’ll walk on fire because it scares me. I’ll make that line on the canvas because I think it’s stupid. You get the idea.

I do this because I desperately want to stop living my life in fear, and you know what, nothing works!

So I wonder, sometimes, if death is it. Is death the moment in time when I will finally “let go?” Where the anxiety of life finally leaves and you feel like you are falling back into a fresh, Downey pillow, with TRUST? Maybe then it would be something to look forward to. I wonder if Susie was not just unafraid, but if it was something like a relief she was looking towards?

Anyway, I wonder about these morbid things a lot, in case you can’t tell. I know I should not, but I do.

Maybe she knew there would be no more “hovering” from God, no more running back and forth. No more effort. Maybe it’s when God stops barely touching and finally touches you.

Just a nice, shiny thought to brighten your day! 🙂

Tomorrow is a New Day

May 3, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

Tomorrow morning I’ll be getting back to work. I’ll be studying the letter Chet, but not tonight. However, I have to admit that I skimmed the pages just a little bit and something caught my eye that was too much of a coincidence not to mention. It said, under “Worlds:”

The ascent of all worlds on Shabbat and their subsequent descent after Shabbat.

How weird is that? You know, today being the day after Shabbat and all?

Well I thought it was a coinkeedink.

But that’s not what I am going to be talking about tonight. I wanted to talk about a couple different things, that is, if I can get them out of my head fast enough before I lose them. Before they fly off into the ether.

One of them is about my work out here. The roadblocks I have been running into and the things that have been out of my control. I have finally come to a point where I (I think) I can actually let them go. They are out of my control after all.

I have just been feeling a lot of pressure, perhaps I have mentioned before. I know I put this crap upon myself. It’s just that so many people have supported me on this endeavor and I feel that I need to work hard. I’m just not very good at giving myself any breaks.

But one mistake I have made before coming out here was the “daily regimen” I created. I don’t know what I was thinking!

My plan was to have my coffee, then:

Walk my dog
Study Kabbalah
Meditate
Do writing and sketching
Take photos
Make a few quick watercolors
Do a video diary
Get some outdoor video footage
Write a blog post
Eat dinner
Read the Torah
Go to Bed.

And that seemed reasonable to me. In fact, it seemed like a mellow day, like I could even fit in a nap or something.

Nope. I was totally kidding myself – and as usual, out of my cotton-pickin’ mind!

So far, I have been lucky if to squeeze in four or five of these things, and there hasn’t been time for naps. Forget it! I don’t know where the days are going. I think they are mostly going towards studying Kabbalah, formatting these way too long blog posts, and maybe a lot of writing too. And I mean lot of writing. Not that this is a bad thing. Writing is how I organize just about everything that is in my head.

In fact, I feel like I am getting a LOT accomplished, it’s just not “per the agenda.” It’s not what was scheduled! But that schedule was all self-imposed. It’s just that I kinda-sorta self-imposed it publicly.

You guys don’t care though, right? You understand that this is all a big long process.

It is a process! And so much is out of my control. Maybe it’s a good thing?

The camera, for one thing. I was so frustrated about it. I mean, I can hardly work it. I found out yesterday that it won’t charge! And the wind! The wind has finally calmed, but the camera won’t charge. So, trying to get footage – which has to be silent by the way since the mic won’t work while the camera is plugged in (remember the 60 cycle hum?), so I am looking for plugs all over the property.

That means I can’t venture off very far. So there you have it. It just sucks because I’m tethered to a short extension cord. Oh poor me.

So anyway – all of this being out of my control, I’ve meditated on it, and I just LET IT GO! …A little bit anyway. Ha!

And a lot opened up for me.

Inspiration for one thing.

I am so inspired about the installation. Did I already tell you that it’s just going to be a tent? No more stations like in the original plan. That’s all gone now.

I have streamlined the whole thing.

The tent is the theater for the film.

It’s going to be all about the film, which hopefully, is going to kick ass! It’s just a short, but you never know, maybe it will be something special. I have my hopes up. Now anyway.

The film will be about 15 minutes. Damn, have I mentioned this before? Am I having Deja vu? I’m probably just going crazy, as usual. The film is going to be about THIS. All of this. If that doesn’t make sense. It will eventually.

The tent will be covered in as much ephemera as I can possibly make: sketches, drawings, watercolors, notes, post-its, typed stories, blog entries, other people’s stories (please send them in!), photos, reference materials, just everything – all pinned to the outside of the tent.

The tent I really want is way, way outside of my budget, but I will make due with one within my budget UNLESS I can find the one I want on Ebay. This is the one I really want:

But this thing is like $1200! I only budgeted $300 for a tent. I will find something that will work. I just like the aesthetic of this one, but I bet I can find a white canvas one in my budget because I am resourceful like that. 😉

I have also been thinking a lot about the paintings I am going to be making during the year once I get home and I am very excited about those. I pretty much know what I’m doing and it’s going to be different. Some people might not like it at all, but that’s the risk I’m willing to take.

I feel like I’ve said all this already!

Maybe it’s the mescaline again.

Anyways. Those are the going plans for now.

See you tomorrow.

What’s That You’re Zayin?

May 3, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

OMG, Sorry my blog titles are so insanely dorky. I can’t help it though. What can I say? I am an ultra dork.

I learned a lot about the letter Zayin today as a matter of fact, but if someone off the street asked me what it meant, I would tell them that I had absolutely no idea! This shit flies so far over my head, it’s impossible to even see what is flying over and above. What the hell was that?!

The truth is, I was reading from the book I have been studying all along, Channel of Creative Consciousness, by Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh, and this morning when I got to Zayin, I did not like what I read. It was poop! I wound up searching out other people’s take on it, on this mystical letter, you know, to get a better understanding. And I did. What that understanding is, I could not tell you, but the first one made me kinda mad.

It put me in a place, back in time. I was 14. Yes, 14! That was when I was an angry feminist. There was a woman’s bookstore in Studio City (borderline Sherman Oaks) called Bread and Roses. I call it a “woman’s bookstore,” not a feminist bookstore, because it seemed like it was kind of like a “front.” Even the name of the shop! I think they even sold potpourri! Very froofy.

Yet the women that worked there had no problem rattling off titles from the top of their heads when I told them the kind of stuff I was looking for. Thinking about it now, I’m surprised they didn’t recommend S.C.U.M Manifesto! They weren’t that bad, I kid you!

But I read a ton of books from that store and learned about the history of women’s persecution, at least history with “proof,” and as far back as the 10th century in China with the whole “Lotus feet” deal (foot binding). Just anything that would push my anger scales past a 10 and keep me pissed off at practically all times until I decided to come out as a lesbian at 15.

But that’s another story. Maybe even another blog.

Let’s get back to what happened when I was reading about the Hebrew letter Zayin. It spoke of, mainly, the Zayin representing the “Woman of Valor.” That didn’t bug me so much, until it got into a bunch of hooey about the woman being the crown of her husband and stuff like, “She who does her husband’s will.”

Oh reeaally?

Now, I know the Torah is filled with all kinds of sexism, murder and punishments from God, and a jealous God at that, but that is not how I interpret the Bible. Never have, never will.

Personally, and it’s funny that I have turned this project into such an exposé of my religious beliefs – something I feel are so entirely personal and none of your fucking business, but I do feel that if you are going to take the Bible at its literal word, you’re as shallow and stupid as they come – since it’s a book as deep and mystical, and really unknowable, as a beautifully, well-written poem.

Only the authors know what they meant when they wrote it, in the specific words they used AND – what those hieroglyphs meant at that time. We can never fully know all that.

Since then, so much meaning has been foisted upon it all, and this is where all the existentialism comes in. You make your own meaning.

If you didn’t make your life have meaning, you wouldn’t have any reason to be here – so that is the “existential” question (and answer to), What is the meaning of life?

Whatever I am getting out of these studies could be “right,” could be “wrong,” but they make up my connection to the Torah, and that can’t be bad. They connect me to thousands of years of what courses through my DNA, and more so, my recent family that has come and gone. The traditions that have fallen away that I so desperately want back.

And blah blah blah. It brings me back home.

So as I was Zayin, The letter seemed awfully 1950s to me, and I wound up Googling more about it and found a wealth of other information I liked more, but yes, it has to do with women, but as the “Crown of Creation,” not so much a woman of valor. It also has a lot to so with the sexual organs. Maybe my book didn’t want to get so into that? I’m not sure. But because it has to do with Yesod, which the book does get into in another section – as one of the Divine Emanations or Sephirot, it does connect – but I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t go searching Google style.

Anyway, Yseod, is the foundation in the Tree of Life, which makes sense since it has everything to do with creation. It goes back to CONNECTION again. (I have a feeling the moral to this whole story is going to be connection!)

Have I lost you? I probably have.

What about Joshua Tree?

Out here in the desert, the wind has died down FINALLY, and for the first time, I was able to film outside. I was getting scared that I wasn’t going to be able to do this at all since the wind just has not let up since I’ve been here. I come out here a lot and I’ve never seen anything like it! Not wind for five days straight, and not wind at 30 miles per hour.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I wrote all that before sundown on Friday. I suppose I could have posted what I had, but I just wasn’t finished. I usually don’t even start my blog posts until late at night, but a few times I have been writing a little bit right after I study to get some notes out of my head, and it winds up as the skeleton for my blog post for later in the day.

The days are long here, when you are waiting for sundown. Sundown is also when the bobcats come out. I have to really keep my eye on Gemma.

Oops.. sorry I thought I had a pic of her, but it’s on my Nikon (my 35 mm old-skool camera) and I can’t see those pitures until I get back home and have them developed. She is a hard subject to photograph anyway, since she never looks into the camera when I say her name. She’s on my video diaries though. When it comes to those, she’s a real ham.

I also decided that I can’t stand how awful my drawings look when I photograph them in the studio. I am going to have to wait until I get home and scan the ones that fit in the scanner – and besides, I shouldn’t show you everything anyway, right? I’d like to keep it for the big reveal in the installation.

And I am going to talk about the installation in my next blog entry, so I sure hope you guys are following this snooze of a process through my project so far. It’s only going to get snoozier!

This is the studio I work in here, forgive me if I am starting to show duplicates of anything (it’s been hard to keep track of my photos – I have yet to organize them):

The studio also has a sizable porch where I do a lot of my meditating. I’ve done it here a few of the days anyway.

Here’s another interior at night, the view from the chair. Out that window are giant rocks. Well, there are rocks everywhere on this property!

There are a ton of beds in every room of this place, most likely because a lot of people stay on the property at once. It’s a rock climbers haven, and I imagine they like to do their expeditions in groups. Is it even called an “expedition” if it’s a rock climb? Or is that word only used for archaeologists? Whatever.

There are four beds in the main house, and it’s only a one bedroom home. There are more places to lay down than to sit! And that’s fine by me. 🙂 I so badly want to live here. The studio doesn’t have a bathroom, but I wouldn’t mind walking up the path to use the one in the writer’s house, which is a studio. It is just one room that fits a queen size bed and a bathroom, but it also fits a good sized desk in from of the bed at the window, where your view is basically this:

Here is the path where I begin my walk every morning. Not too shabby, eh?

Okay, I will end this here and get to work on the next blog entry.

You Say Vov, I Say Vav

May 1, 2014 / esart / Leave a comment

Whelp, I was studying the Vav today. And boy is it windy! It’s been windy every single day I’ve been here. And maybe I’ve mentioned it, but I probably haven’t told you that it’s been nearly record breaking winds. Every day!

Being outside has been nearly impossible. All the Benadryl in the world can’t help you. The dirt and sand just flies in your eyes, tree branches come barreling through the wind only to smack you in the face and break your flesh open, and the visibility just isn’t good at all. Benadryl doesn’t help that kinda thing at all.

I hear that tomorrow will be a better day though. No wind. No flesh-eating tree branches, etc.

So, I was right about that Vav being a ray of light, but I sure didn’t know how deep it was going to go, again! Of course, all these letters lead you down a rabbit hole that goes on forever and ever, and I am only skimming the surface really. One letter a day just doesn’t get you far when it comes to studying Kabbalah. Not even a little. I feel like a dope thinking I could have done that now – now that I know how many avenues of thought Kabbalah has alone! It’s the same as Judaism!

But of course! These are Jews we are talking about here. No one is going to agree on any one school of thought, or anything for that matter. I remember my family couldn’t even decide on what restaurant to go to. That alone took an hour at least! The places would pretty much be closed by the time we could all decide on one place to go to. And no one was really satisfied with their choice either.

That’s Judaism for ya.

It’s pretty easy for me to go down rabbit holes though, considering that I am so very green (and bunny-like), but today I went down the one having to do with Tzimtzum. Even if you just skim that whole subject, you can hardly get an idea of what it’s all about. It will twist your little mind into knots!

I can’t put this one in a “nutshell” for you this time folks! But what I can do is tell you some things I got out of it.

Like some of the validation on the art I have been doing up until now – up to the present. And the future. And the past!

I have made my negative past into a positive future, not just a positive present, and I have even brought the past into the NOW, changed it, and laid down a new future.

I know it seems like I just said the same thing twice, but I didn’t. Trust me.

Also: connectivity.

What I wasn’t able to get into last night because of all my bitching and moaning, was the top line of the Hei, which in a nutshell, represents God, but really, his connectivity throughout all of us, not exactly the separation like the higher and lower worlds I have mentioned before. That comes in more on the left side of the Hei in the action of the foot and in the absence of a connection from the foot – to the top line…

I am just quickly summing up the Hei here, because I didn’t do that last night, so I’m kinda rushing through it.

The right side of the Hei is us, and the power of our reach (our connectivity) through speech. And that left side, there’s that foot – representing action. But it’s not connected. As you can see, there is a space, and that space represents that nothingness I love so much, taking me back to Aleph, “The direct insight of Divine Truth; to be nothing.”

It’s that existential gap…

From the text I am reading:

The servant of God experiences the existential gap between his thoughts and deeds. Often he is unable to realize his inner intentions. Other times he is surprised by unexpected success. In both cases he feels the hand of God directing his deeds. The gap is the experience of the Divine Nothing, the source of all Creation in deed: something from nothing.

Okay, that’s Hei.

But back to Vav!

I had to fill you in on Hei because Vav is all about The Tzimtzum, not just a simple “ray of light” that I naively gathered before.

I once studied, once upon a time, some very basic physics. I was probably in my 20s, so I don’t remember a lot of it, but I remember how light, space and time all tied together, and you’d be shittin’ me if these early Lurianic Kabbalists knew anything about that in the 1500s, but apparently they did! Seriously! Classical Physics didn’t even start until the early 1600s. But somehow, even if it was just a theory or a guess – obviously it was a religious, creationist view – but they knew that light and time were connected (as light and space are).

Now I am stuck on whether or not I should link you to a physics page on that, or just leave it at that. …It’s based on Minkowski Space, which is all you really need to know.
Like I said – rabbit hole!

Yeah, Vav. Jeez! Who knew?

Here are some pictures I took today:

OH! By the way, I am going to be observing Shabbos tomorrow, so you won’t hear from me until Saturday night.

Have a great one! See you Saturday!

Heis and Lows

April 30, 2014 / esart / 1 Comment

Hei! How are you? Pretty crappy, but thanks for asking.

Today I studied the Hei. But maybe instead of getting into that, I’d rather tell you that today was FUCKED!

I’d ask you to excuse my French, but I’m not really that kind of wuss, so please, allow me to go on with my rant about how stupid I am, because I am.

Today, just about everything that could go wrong – did, and all because I wasn’t using my head. Well, some of the reason is due to the fact that I don’t have my own video cam with me. I’m sure I have mentioned this a few times now.

This morning I recorded a long video journal – one where I finally tell the story about my past issues surrounding my video camera. I have mentioned this before as well. I’ve almost disclosed it in fact. Or maybe I have, I really don’t know anymore. But there is a heavy story about how I had a grand plan to create an auto-documentary back in 2007, but that wound up in a suicide attempt.

So, I’m telling this story into the camera today – how my Sony has been sitting in its case for the last seven years, and I get into the part about how seeing my family behind the lens of a camera did something really bizarre to me. I mean, I had no idea the impact it was going to have on me. I couldn’t have guessed it, but it was really profound.

Anyway, I started to cry on video. I wasn’t even expecting to act or feel natural on camera, but the tears just came, and I was like, hey, this might be great footage for the film. Real tears! But in all seriousness, they were real. Still, it was all captured on video and I was glad to have taped it, until…

I hit the playback button.

Oh my God! The microphone was situated near my hair so a couple of my dreads were flopping and dragging across the mic the entire time!

The rest of the week I had been wearing my hair up. Today I had the thought: I should wear my hair down for once so people can really see this mop of dreadlocks.

What an idiot! And not because I wanted you to see my hair, but because of where I placed my microphone. (I just want to clarify that. I’m not generally an idiot.)

But the sound is unbearable on the entire take. It’s unusable.

And that’s not the only dumb thing I did!

The day before yesterday, I cued up the camera to play back the last video diary, but I forgot that I did that!!! When I came in today, I just hit record!

In other words, I recorded over my last video diary – and it was a good one too! I didn’t do one on Tuesday, so it was extra precious.

After I threw a shit-fit, I calmed down. I have a piece of yarn that is tied around my wrist to remind me to do such things (calm myself down), and read the camera manual instead. I tried to get to know the cam a little better. I read about how to charge it properly, which I needed to do finally, but when I tried to do that, it wasn’t working, and while it was plugged in, I could not record because there was a buzz on the mic while the camera was plugged in to the wall, which is apparently called a “60 cycle hum.”

After many, many attempts all day today to get that camera working the way I needed it to, and trust me, I tried until it was dark outside, I had to give up on that, and I was in no mood to draw – but I drew a few pictures anyway 😉 I just forgot my digital camera back in the main house, so I didn’t shoot them. Sorry – no pictures tonight.

‘Twas a frustrating day.

However! Something really GREAT transpired out of it all!

I may still be a bit blank on what my new paintings are going to look like, but I now know what my film is going to BE! And the installation too.

These days, for me, making decisions has never been so radiant and strong. I don’t know how else to explain that, but I guess I just did.

More on that later. I have to jot off to bed!

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